| Feb 2009 |
[07 Feb 2009|09:52pm] |
I guess I got bored, because I always forget to post in Livejournal. Especially during times I don't want to remember. I don't like putting irrational, angry thoughts into a somewhat permanent form, because I would prefer to think they will just go away. I'm on anti-depressants now and my life feels better. I usually write in these when I want apologize for disappearing. i don't even know who reads this thing anymore anyway. 2007 was one of the greatest years of my life. 2008 was one of the worst ones. December went well, because my Grandfather died and for 6 weeks, I realized my own mortality and quit feeling sorry for myself. January always sucks, and this year was no exception.
I don't know if I will ever be able to fix myself. I told Allan that the only thing that I could ever promise him was that I would try, when things get bad. I can't apologize to him enough for how miserable I have been to live with. We recently laid it all on the table, and we ended up in a strange pre-engagement stage. I have been waking up everyday hoping to escape the life I was living even for a brief moment, using sleep, tv, internet, anything. So maybe I just need to accept the ups and downs, what every one goes through. The cycle.
Brett might be moving back in and I'm really looking forward to having my own friends. Allan's friends are usually not my friends and I don't want them to be. Eric and Liza are going to move out. Money is going to be worse, but I can't explain how excited I am to not have any roomates even if it's just for a while. It's hard to get things done, when you don't really have a comfortable place to do them. My tattoo is finished, and it's painful. I love it, but the pain is totally overshadowing the awesomeness right now.
Last but not least, I found a turd on my bathroom floor this morning and I don't have any pets.
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[26 Sep 2008|11:53pm] |
Sometimes you find yourself home on a Friday night with a belly full of lobster, all dressed up, and watching SET IT OFF.
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| starting again |
[15 Jul 2008|10:34pm] |
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Today I applied for re-admittance to Kendall. I'm going to take at least 1 class a semester until I finish. I don't have anymore excuses, and I feel alive again. The last time I felt like I had something to look forward to was when I started dating Allan. He's wonderful, but it's not enough. I hope this is what I've been looking for, and I think that it is.
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| Perfect Vacation |
[09 Jul 2008|09:51am] |
Allan had training in Columbus, OH, so i have taken time off work, and tagged along so that I can enjoy the hotel room, and get some homework done. We have a king-sized bed, and I brought a vcr/dvd player and bought a season of Roseanne. We also have a fridge and microwave. Allan gets out early and then we go to dinner, and tonight I think we're going to go swimming.
Last night I drank a bottle of champagne and danced on the bed in my underwear. People seemed kind of skeptical about my being excited to go out of town, but it's really all about attitude.
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[05 Jul 2008|07:09pm] |
I haven't written in 2 seasons. I feel really alone in Grand Rapids. I was friends with Allan's friends and since, we've had a huge falling out. Allan's the best thing I got going hands down. I kind of feel like i'm riding the stationary bike of life, but at least i would be wearing the exact same outfit Olivia Newton John wears in the Physical video.
I'm living with roomates again, and although they are great roomates, I don't think it's the life for me. I really want to go to Detroit soon.
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| Chompers |
[18 Aug 2007|12:49pm] |
The subject has nothing to do with the content.
New Things In Life:
*Started painting like a fiend again. All it took was buying a few new paintbrushes and a tube of white paint.
*yesterday i was on the phone and painting and looked down and the top of my foot was covered in blood. There were two fairly deep gouges that i discovered once I washed the blood off. i looked around and there was also blood in different rooms, so it may have been cut for a while. Once I saw the blood, I could feel the pain, kind of like a little kid. I never found the source.
*Saw the movie Superbad yesterday, and can't stop saying "it's supergood". I'm a sucker for a buddy movie, and I think that fat kid is hilarious.
*I have created a new game, which is to stay busy painting and pretend that's why I don't buy anything, instead of the fact that I don't have any money.
*I still need a roomate. I could live with someone or we could find a place together. Please dear god, don't make me look on craigs list!!
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[04 Aug 2007|10:35pm] |
Feeling kind of lame, alone with a cold on a Saturday night. Got wasted at Mulligan's last night and drunk-dialed a bunch of people, but didn't say anything I wouldn't normally say sober. I live my life like I'm intoxicated half of the time anyway, so there isn't much of a difference. I did however spend a good deal of the day working on the following:
It makes me feel like I didn't waste my entire day.
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| Guess I could |
[03 Aug 2007|04:03pm] |
I'm doing really well. Probably a little too well, which means I'm likely just in a manic episode. I'm starting to come down though. I'm sleeping again. I've been going out a lot lately, and I need to watch my money a lot better. I don't have a ton to last me until the next paycheck. My job has restructured the commission policy so that we do just as much work, but don't make even close to half as much (I'm talking like maybe 25%). So I am still planning on applying to Comcast. I just need to get off my booty and do it.
My mom called me today, she took a drawing that I did into a portrait studio, and the owner said he would like to sell my work. I need to start painting and drawing, so that I have more work when something like this comes up. Really, I've just been having a whole lot of fun lately, which isn't the worst way to be.
Greg and I aren't talking right now. He insists that he wants to be friends, but he gets very emotionally involved in my personal life. After he called me a few choice names, and made the mistake of telling a coworker my personal business... I told him I didn't think we'd be able to talk for a while. Hopefully, we can in the future, but it's not working right now.
Also, I've found a place where I can sleep without anxiety. whoo.
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| I think that hydrant wasn't there. |
[08 Jul 2007|06:21pm] |
I had a really good week in Detroit. I felt really lonely, upon my return though. I'm starting to get a group of friends back, but I was out for so long... it's really hard. That's the single life for you though, you get these bouts, but things do improve. I'm going to stay in GR for a while though, so there is more Nicole to go around. I mean, I'm not going to be heading off to another city every weekend.
Brett and I had a wonderful weekend, Friday involved taking pictures around town, eating sushi, and going to the Buffy Sing-A-Long. At one point, I took a bite of food, and a drink and they were the best two tastes I have ever encountered. A magical moment. Yes we are both a little too much alike, so that going out leaves us with an awkward lack of a Take-charge person, but it worked for us anyway.
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[07 Jul 2007|02:25am] |
I have new crazy hair. I'm not sure if GR is ready for it, but oh well. Here it comes!
Buffy Musical Tonight!!!! Brett and I are going to celebrate our nerdiness.
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| Just My Luck. |
[05 Jul 2007|11:27pm] |
I'm in Detroit with the flu or a cold or something. Like, I hurt all over and there is mucous involved. I came to Detroit anyway, because Brett said I could, and it seemed better than being completely alone in my apartment until Sunday. So I'm not doing almost any of the things that I had hoped to do. Yesterday I slept for 16 hours straight, woke up and slept for another 2. Maybe my body is just forcing me to take my time off work to relax?
I got a call while I was sleeping saying that i did not get the promotion at work. I'm not heartbroken. It means that I can keep my good hours and not take a pay cut. It also means, I would not be in a job with more responsibility and less respect. Scott (the guy who called) said that I was in their top and it was a tough choice. He kept apologizing. I was like, "meh".
A tarot reading told me that everything in my life was okay, except for my neurosis. So I guess I just need to chill. Look on the bright side. And possibly get some counseling over this weekend.
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| all that glitters is not gold |
[25 Jun 2007|03:25pm] |
There's no point in updating this journal right now. By the time I write something about how i'm feeling or what i'm doing, the information becomes obscelete. But regardless:
I'm not dating Jenn anymore, but we're still talking.
I had a great time in Detroit this weekend. I got to paint a vagina on a porcelain cat at 3 in the morning with Isaac. I bought a terrific t-shirt dress from H&M that goes w/ all the gold shit that I own. I had lucid dreams about David while sleeping next to him. I was still drinking at 7:00 in the morning on Saturday. I met new people and laughed like Roseanne around them. Cedric, David, and I determined that we were doing things we only dreamed could happen when we were in high school. I saw Justin Ruppell and was amused to find that he still reads "this old thing". I tricked Brett to leave work with tall tales of his favorite celebrities and tv characters. I went to Goldcoast a male strip club, and paid very little attention to the strippers. The attention I did pay made me sad, because it was pretty much people paying to get hugs.
Most importantly, i became inspired to do artwork again!
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| unrequited |
[15 Jun 2007|01:08am] |
My car is doing so well. It might be the fuel pump, we'll have to see. I can't come to Detroit because it might break and leave me stranded. I still plan on being at Sam's baby shower, if i can pull some strings. I have some great friends who support me, and are helping me out.
The last two days, possibly even two the three weeks have been filled with disillusionment, disappointment, anxiety, miscommunications, sprinkled w/ a light dusting of amazing times. I'm feeling more alone than ever before. A lot of it, is missing a constant. My parents have proven to be very unstable unreliabe, and it makes me sad and scared. THis time they aren't just mean, they don't seem to be able to handle their own lives yet.
Maybe i shouldn't expect so much. I feel like I'm worth it. I've done no paintings, I've had no muse. Just sadness. I picture fantastic images as I fall asleep before my afternoon naps.
I have to get better soon. I have to sleep now. I have to figure out what happened.
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| Banaana! |
[10 Jun 2007|11:14am] |
I had a really big week. I had a panic attack on Sunday, I had an interview for a promotion on Wednesday. There are a lot of applicants, so I don't know how it will go, but the interview went well. We were laughing the whole time.
I went to my dad's Thursday night, and my car had trouble on the way there, so We spent the entire night fixing it. Jenn called twice throughout the day, and I wasn't able to talk to her the way that I wanted to, so I kept things brief. It hurt her feelings and I felt like shit.
Friday morning I went to the doctor's office, where she completely ignored my symptoms and based only on the fact that my sheet said i was bipolar prescribed an anti-anxiety and Paxil. With absolutely no explaination about the Paxil, and blew off my concerns about sexual side effects. Just saying that was a concern with anti-depressants. Who wants to live their whole life without an orgasm? i don't think so.
Jenn, Carmen, and I went to see Shrek that night. It was fun, but frustrating because I haven't told my sister about us yet. I really hate hiding things. But she did cute things like flash me her inner lip tattoo of "XOXO" during dinner. It has been over a week,where we have seen each other without my sister here. UGH!
My dad came out on Saturday and things went fine, until we were riding in the car on the way back. He requested hat I not talk about ANYTHING that went on when we were at his house with my mom, because "any little thing could upset her". I told him that I couldn't do that, that I hate secrets and that they tear me apart. As we were pulling into Castle Bluff he said "Well, that just means that until the divorce, we can visit you, but you can't come over to the house." I told him to go home, to have Carmen get her stuff from my apartment and just go back to Flint. He was all "nicole, maybe you don't understand why! i just don't want to upset your mom". I was like "just drop me off!". I started crying and I didn't want him to see my like that. i felt trapped and I ended up jumping out of the moving car and running to my apartment. He apologized, and took it back. I told him that it was nothing to do with how he said it, he asked me not to come to his house! I understood what he was trying to say, but he needed to get his priorities straight. Was the inconvenience of my mom yelling at him, more important than both his relationship with me, but my relationship with Carmen.
I knew something like this would happen... of course it would! But I need to be able to see Carmen, so it was worth it. I feel better today.
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[03 Jun 2007|08:34am] |
Cause Im just a problem
For you to solve and
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm
But what will you do when
You run it through and
You cant get me back on the farm
I just called into work, because I was sobbing uncontrollably this morning. I didn't sleep well last night, and when I woke up, everything I felt last night was worse. I have some anti-anxiety medication i'm going to take, but I need to get back to a doctor, because this is really bad.
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[01 Jun 2007|04:28pm] |
In all of the excitement of everything that has gone on lately, I realized that I forgot to renew my license plate. I couldn't find my current proof of insurance today and i was totally freaking out. Even though, jenn has to be somewhere, she offered to come with me to the Secretary of State. It was really helpful, but i hated her seeing that panicky side of me. She really did help to calm me down though.
I just felt like sine I was living on my own, apparently I just forget about things. I odn't want to feel like I can't handle myself.
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[23 May 2007|06:23pm] |
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I got to wear a pirate eyepatch at work. Life doesn't get any better than when you're talking to someone about their situation and they don't know that the representative taking care of them is wearing an eyepatch.
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| i actually wrote this friday |
[19 May 2007|05:30pm] |
Last night I had an amazing date with an awesome girl.
She had to drive my car home, because i was tipsy.
We drank Cosmos and watched the L Word.
We went for a walk, and found sidewalk chalk and
wrote our names all over the neighborhood behind my house.
She told me all the things that she spotted which you can buy
at Menard's in the garden center.
Today I drove by the rock, I wrote our initials on and smiled.
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| A little more clarity |
[14 May 2007|07:03pm] |
I haven't felt like I was doing what I needed to do in over a year. I am adjusting to being single by keeping mind so occupied that there is not one moment to stop. I'm cleaning and loving the idea that there is no one to fuck it up. Old friendships are back stronger than ever. Greg continually comes by the house to watch the DVR while, I'm at work.
I'm not talking to my dad. He called me over a little disagreement just before my birthday. He spoke to me as if we wouldn't be talking anymore. He continually insulted me, and then begged me to go to counseling so i can "get over my i hate daddy issues". I told him that he wasn't a positive influence, he told me I was reading that some weird shit and that no one talks like that. He told me that self-esteem was bullshit. He said he's smarter than the average person. He told me indignantly that i should realize that he has testosterone so if I say something that hurts his feelings, like saying i would like to leave michigan one day, that he can just yell at me and tell me I'm a horrible daughter instead. I told him that i don't associate myself with people who have too much of an ego to speak about their feelings. I continually repeated that he no longer had control over me. He didn't know what I meant
The last thing he said to me was that WHEN I HAVE CHILDREN HE WILL BE IN THEIR LIVES EVEN IF HE HAS TO HIRE A LAWYER TO MAKE SURE OF IT.
I told him he was a sick son of a bitch, and promptly threw my phone across the room.
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| it's a big one! |
[12 May 2007|09:56am] |
By big one, I mean event not entry. I told Greg to move out last night. We've been going through some ups and downs lately, I've just been trying to keep them low key. Low Key, to the best of my ability that is. Anyway, i woke up yesterday, and everything felt differently. i wasn't mad at Greg, but I didn't want him to come home. I really hope that I can stay friends with Greg... for real this time.
It was probably selfish of me to stay with him this long. I kept feeling like he was the responsible thing to do. No matter what my gut said. He left last night, and i barely talked to him since. He may end up needing to stay here a while longer, if his parents don't let him move back. But I guess we'll just deal with that, when it comes.
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